


Avengers: Age of How it Should Have Happened

by jenphalian



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-24
Updated: 2015-05-24
Packaged: 2018-04-01 00:47:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3999556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jenphalian/pseuds/jenphalian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Here, I fixed Age of Ultron.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Avengers: Age of How it Should Have Happened

OPENING (SOMEWHERE IN SOKOVIA)

The Avengers raid Baron von Strucker's evil base of evil. Their team-fighting has gotten pretty dang slick, like, it looks so fly they could be in a Coke commercial or a teaser for a Fast and Furious movie. Anyway, while there, they steal back Loki's scepter (since having that thing around always turns out great) and encounter Sokovian twins Wanda and Pietro Maximoff. (In need of funds for their education because capitalism is terrible, the twins agreed to participate in medical testing which caused them to reality-jump from the X-Men reboots to the greater MCU. Their only regret is leaving Kitty Pryde behind.)

**********

BACK AT AVENGERS TOWER

TONY: Heyyyyyy there's totes an infinity gem in this scepter! Let's use the artificial intelligence within it to create super-powerful robots!

BRUCE: That sounds stupid. Let's discuss it with the team.

TONY: But we are the ScienceBros how could you betray me by wanting to communicate my plans to people who would stop me--

BRUCE: If you know they would try to stop you, doesn't that indicate to you that this is a bad plan which also isn't good?

TONY: But once the fruits of my genius--our genius! see how magnanimous I am when I want to flatter you into helping me Bruce?--but once the robots are keeping all the non-genius civilians safe in the cold hard embrace of artificial safety, I am certain that everyone will stop thinking that this is a bad plan!

Bruce is reluctant but agrees to help Tony. He doesn't like to make waves. He resolves to tell Pepper as soon as he gets a chance but it is hard to catch up with her when she is planning a large party. She goes around muttering things like "superhero prom" and "liquor licenses don't cover magical god elixirs" and he can't really get her attention, especially since he's loath to leave Tony unattended for too long, so he stalls the Ultron project as best he can.

**********

THE AVENGERS HAVE A PARTY. ALL YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTERS ARE THERE, INCLUDING OCs FROM YOUR FAVORITE FANFICS AND A BUNCH OF CHARACTERS FROM TELEVISION'S AGENTS OF SHIELD.

STEVE: *moping because he still doesn't know what happened to Bucky*

STAN LEE: *has a sweet cameo*

THOR AND TONY: *adorably compete for whose girlfriend is more awesome*

PEPPER: Aw, that's very cute, boys. So, Tony, what did you do with the scepter?

TONY: HA HA NOTHING WHAT? I mean, we stored it. Safely. Put it in very safe storage. Pepper, you look quite dashing in that dress, I like the sequins.

PEPPER: Um, thanks...?

TONY: I DON'T SEEM GUILTY EVERYTHING'S FINE. Hey is that Rhodey over there I'm gonna go tell jokes with Rhodey that sounds fun yay.

TONY FLEES

PEPPER: *waves to Jane* Hey Jane, I have some science questions about Loki's scepter.

JANE: I love science. Hey, neat sequins.

JANE AND PEPPER HEAD TO THE BAR. BRUCE IS MIXING COCKTAILS. NATASHA SEEMS TO BE COMING ON TO HIM. HE IS A STRANGE MIXTURE OF OBLIVIOUS AND AWKWARD, EXACTLY LIKE A BARISTA WHOSE JOB IT IS TO KEEP SMILING WHEN YOU COME ON TO THEM NO MATTER HOW MUCH 'DO NOT WANT' IS IN THEIR BACK POCKET. JANE AND PEPPER EXCHANGE A GLANCE.

JANE: Hey, you two, I didn't realize you were a thing.

NATASHA: Actually, no one else is supposed to notice us flirting for another few scenes at least.

JANE: Sorry, I'll forget I said anything so long as you have Bruce's enthusiastic consent to be so aggressive with him when he's trapped behind a bar. I mean, I'm sure you'd hate to put a sexual harassment claim in your ledger.

NATASHA: Ugh, fine, then tell me what YOUR plan is to keep the other guy under control. Because honestly, I think doing a Beauty and the Beast thing is a pretty low-stress method.

JANE: Nat, we talked about running ops on our friends!

NATASHA: Yeah, but Jane, this isn't like when I wanted to borrow the hammer. This is important!

BRUCE: Do I get to say anything?

JANE AND NATASHA: No!

PEPPER: We might have more urgent problems. Bruce, do you know why Tony is acting more deranged than usual?

BRUCE: Because I told him that using the infinity gem from Loki's scepter to make an army of AI cyborgs was a bad idea, and he got all defensive and refused to tell you about it.

PEPPER: I mean, that does sound like a pretty bad idea.

BRUCE: I know, right?

PEPPER: RIGHT I KNOW.

JANE: ... I gotta go.

Jane asks Thor to steal the mind gem from Tony's lab, but Thor is already a bit drunk, so they ask Steve to help. While the god and the super-soldier make their way through the lab, Jane uses hardware she finds behind the bar (plus a couple things she happens to have in her purse) to build a gate to a secret pocket-dimension. When Thor and Steve return, they look a little worse for the wear, but they are successful. Jane sends the mind gem away, ending the Ultron Project for good.

James Spader and Paul Bettany have to find other work, which is a shame since they're both fine actors.

Hawkeye accompanies Maria Hill to Sokovia, where they recruit Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver to the Avengers. The twins are a little disappointed to put aside their revenge fantasies but, then again, they are adults who understand that as Avengers they can take advantage of Stark's resources to improve the infrastructure of their home country in ways they never could have dreamed on their own. They find a pleasant symmetry in this. Also, Hawkeye is happy to help them play all sorts of pranks on Tony, whose night terrors now include short-sheeted beds full of frogs.

**********

MEANWHILE IN SOUTH AFRICA

ULYSSES KLAUE: Sure is a lot of vibranium I have here. I hope nobody comes to steal it.

Nobody comes to steal it. Klaue takes up internet Hearts.

**********

MEANWHILE AT THE FARM

Everything is safe and awesome at the farm. Clint gets sugar gliders for his kids, who learn about responsibly caring for exotic pets. Clint's wife has a rich life as a parent and farmer, although at times she struggles to integrate partnership with a literal superhero and the accompanying knowledge of impending apocalypses into her otherwise idyllic world.

**********

ONE DAY AT BREAKFAST

WANDA: I feel like I'm missing something... like I was supposed to have a husband but forgot to pick one up at the store.

PIETRO: You're probably just having visions. Don't even worry about it.

ANYWAY. AHEM.

**********

MEANWHILE IN SEOUL

HELEN CHO: Gosh, I really enjoy perfecting my synthetic tissue technology. It sure is nice being a genius scientist without all the psych issues the ScienceBros have.

HELEN's LAB ASSISTANT: I hope that we are never forced to use this technology for evil.

They are not forced to use their technology for evil. They improve the quality of many people's lives.

**********

MEANWHILE IN AVENGERS TOWER

JARVIS, after a brief hiccup during Tony and Bruce's attempt to work on the Ultron project, is happily running lots of things--including a search all along the Eastern seaboard for a certain sad trash sergeant.

SAM: So JARVIS, you got anything yet?

JARVIS: I have a lead in Brooklyn, sir, would you like the coordinates to go and make contact?

SAM: Yeah. Is he on the move?

JARVIS: Subject has been in this location for several hours now.

SAM: Then I think I'll take the time to brief Natasha first.

JARVIS: Shall I contact Captain Rogers, sir?

SAM: I don't know if I can handle one super-soldier losing his emotional shit, even with Black Widow's boots on the ground. Let's not make it two.

JARVIS: Very good sir.

**********

LATER IN AVENGERS TOWER

BUCKY: This is incredible.

NATASHA: Yeah, it's a pretty sweet deal. You don't even have to murder your best friend to get in. Ah, here, this is the gym Steve usually works out in. 

Natasha and Sam fling open the double doors to a gym. Inside, Steve Rogers is on his third punching bag of the day, pounding his grief into sand and canvas. He looks up when the doors open and the smile that breaks on his face is brighter than supporting anti-tank fire on a moonless night.

BUCKY: I... I know him.

THERE ARE WARM HUGS ALL AROUND

**********

EPILOGUE: SOMEWHERE IN SPACE

THANOS: It appears that one of the infinity stones has vanished from all known universes. I assume it has been destroyed. Maybe I should re-think my romantic strategy and try to get to know the woman I yearn for instead of plotting grandiose planetary genocides with the assumption that she will then owe me affection in exchange for presents.

DEATH: Oh baby, that's the best thing I've ever heard you say. *she puts a hand on his cheek and kisses him tenderly*

THANOS: *dies but at least he dies happy*


End file.
